Pizza Blast Part Two: The Semi Strikes Back

So, when I left off, my three friends and I were being pulled over by the cops.  Everyone, I'm sure, has experience this at least once.  It feels like every organ in your body has liquified and somehow leaked into your stomach, and under the extra weight of this organ smoothy you can feel your stomach sink into your lower intestine.  I sure as hell felt this, but my smoothy was topped with whipped cream made of shame and a cherry artificially flavored with the fear of going to jail.  The carefree times I spoke of at the beginning of this story flew out the window and hit the windshield of a state trooper.

With my window having already been rolled all the way down in order to get the full range of motion needed to obtain the most accurate aim, all I had to do was sit and wait for my short lived life of freedom on the road to come to an end.  I watched in my mirror as two state troopers got out of their car and walked up to the bed of my truck, one on my side and one on the other.  I heard the officer closest to me say, "We can see you hiding. Get up."  Confused at this order, I turned around to se Andrew and Chris, not so cleverly trying to hide under a blanket.  Talk about looking guilty.  Then Aaron, also confused, started to get out of the passenger side.  Before he even had one leg fully out of the truck, the officer on his side reached for his gun and shouted at him to get back in the car.  Hey, what can I say, we were new to this life of crime.

Then the officer came up to my window. Surprisingly, his tone wasn't as stern as I thought it would be.  He simply looked down at me and asked if I knew anything about a piece of pizza that had splattered on his window.  So, being the good Christian boy that I was, I took a deep breath, looked him in the eye, and lied my face off.  I turned my head backwards toward his squad car and with a bewildered look on my face I said, "I have know idea".  I honestly don't remember his reply, I think my intense fear has something to do with my fuzzy recollection of this moment.  The next thing I know he made his way to my accomplices in the back.  At this point I was looking straight ahead.  I only listened to the conversation that was going on behind me.  I guess I was trying to pretend this wasn't happening.

I heard the same question come out of the troopers mouth. I felt a little more at ease hearing this being directed at someone else.  I just sat there frozen, waiting for  an ingenious response from my friends that would get us off scott free.  Unfortunately, Chris didn't provide an answer any better than mine.  "I don't know how that piece of pizza got on your car", was the best thing he could come up with as well. How could this get any worse you might ask?  Well, just as Chris finishes giving his "air-tight" alibi, the semi-truck that I hit pulls up behind the cop car.  

The man who got out of the truck was nowhere near as composed as the state troopers were.  I could hear him yelling before he was even fully out of the cab.  He ran up to the cop ranting and raving about his rig being hit with food.  Then, when he was finished and out of breath, the cop calmly turned back to Chris and asked him again.  "Do you know how a piece of pizza got on his truck?" We all new that the jig was up, and there was no way to get out of this now.  But amazingly Chris was not so eager to give up.  "I don't know how a piece of pizza got on his truck?" he said.  I couldn't believe it.  I almost belted out a laugh but quickly remembered the the situation I was in.  

The officer told the man to get back into his truck, and that they would handle us.  It took a minute for the man to comply, but eventually he headed back toward his ride; cursing America's youth the entire way.  

By this time I had come to the realization that one, I wouldn't be legally allowed to drive again for a long time, and two,  none of us were very clever under pressure.  I was at the point where I knew there was nothing I could do or say to help the situation.  It's like the feeling you get when you are caught in the rain with no shelter in sight.  At first you start running and trying to dodge the millions of drops.  Then, when you realize you're just wasting your energy, you eventually you give up, stop running, and embrace the storm that you're caught in.   It's actually a very peaceful moment.  

The officers proceeded to lecture us on the possible consequences of our stupidity, of which I am now in total agreement with.  They talked hypothetically of a driver swerving off the road and into a tree, because they were startled by pizza hitting their wind shield.  I thanked God that was not what had happened.

I don't remember there being much talk on the rest of the ride home.  Each of us were contemplating the events of the evening and how worse the night would have been had something happened to one of the drivers we hit.  It was a very sobering thought and a very very quiet ride home.  We were silent, sorry, but very thankful, and not just for the fact that we weren't the cause of someone's death.  The surprising truth is that, when we reached Andrew's house, I still had my license (the officer never even asked to see it!),  and Chris was the recipient of a ticket for littering.  He had to pay a fine, which we all split, and also had to do community service at the local S.P.C.A, to which I had to drive him.  We gladly took this punishment almost with disbelief, knowing that we were the luckiest kids on the face of the planet. To this day I still can't believe how easy we got off.

The mood eventually returned to normal as we all laid around and watch TV.  We tried to talk about anything else other than what happened earlier.  Then slowly we drifted off to sleep with with thankful hearts and empty stomaches.

What they don't teach you in Pizza Blast 101.. (jk clay)

****WARNING*****

Just let me say that I DO NOT condone any of the actions performed by myself or by my friends in the following story.  

This is a true story that I have told several times.  Even though some of you might have heard it or actually have been a part of it, I figured it would still be a good one to post.  None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty.

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This story takes place way back in the year 2000.  It was a simpler time, a more carefree time in my life and the lives of my high school friends, and most importantly, a time when Ladson road was still only two lanes.

It was a Friday night, and our youth group was having, what super cool churchgoing folk call, a pizza blast.  I don't really recall the specific reason for this get together or anything that happened during it.  However, it matters little, because this story is about the events that transpired on the way home.

At the time I was really close with my three best friends, Chris, Andrew, and Aaron.  Together we made up the members of the very well-known, very influential Christian pop-punk band, Stanely's Story. (you might have seen some of our shirts at Good Will)  Anyways, we pretty much went everywhere together so it's not a surprise that we were all together on this faithful night.  The only problem was, in this certain instance, I was the only on of us who had both a working car and a license.  And to make things even worse, my car was actually a tiny four cylinder nissan truck.  Therefore, when everyone rode with me we either had to cram all four of us into the cab, or have two guys ride in the bed.  On this night we chose the latter.    

When the party wrapped up, around 12:30 that night, we said our good byes and headed for the door.  But before we reached it our youth pastor called out to us, "there is so much pizza left, would you guys like to take some home?"  We answered by turning around and grabbing about six or seven boxes off of the table.  We then proceeded out the door in silence.  We didn't want to spoil this beautiful moment with words.  

When we reached my truck, Chris and Andrew offered to ride in the bed to look after the cheesy blessings we had just received, and at the time I was thankful for their sacrifice. Although now I know that what we thought were delicious, pepperoni and mushroom-topped slices of Heaven were actually greasy, cursed, pieces of pure evil that would soon possess us to do horrible deeds. 

After we loaded up, Chris and Andrew hopped in the back, and Aaron and I Climbed into the front.  Before we took off I awkwardly slid the small back window open so we all could still talk to each other. Then I started the engine, put it in gear, and pulled out of the parking lot onto Lasdon Road.  I don't remember the conversation we were having, but I do remember that we weren't far down the road by the time we realized that Chris and Andrew were not contributing to it anymore.  All we heard from the back were spontaneous spouts of laughter.  We quit talking and focused our attention towards the back, in order to understand what was the cause of the suspicious giggling.  When I looked in the mirror all I could see were our friends sitting upright with their backs facing us.  They didn't seem to be doing anything, and, for the moment, the laughter had ceased.  We waited a little, and still nothing.  The lights of an oncoming car forced me to place my eyes back on the road ahead, but as soon as the car passed by the laughter shot out again.  I tried to forget about it and just finish the conversation, but my curiosity prohibited me from fully doing so.  I continued to drive with my attention divided between Aaron's words and the laughter in the back.  Then it hit me.  Or shall I say, it hit an oncoming sedan. 

I don't know why I didn't notice the correlation between my friends' laughter and the passing vehicles sooner.  It wasn't until I heard a third noise that I realized what was going on.  This noise was a squishy, but loud splat that happened between the sound of the sedan passing and the burst of childlike glee coming from the mouths of Chris and Andrew.  Yes, they were tossing pieces of pizza off the side of my truck and onto the windsheilds of poor, unsuspecting motorists.  So did I scold them for this and make them stop, no. No I didn't.  I did the exact opposite actually.   I reached my hand through the window and asked for a slice.  I then rolled down my window and waited for the next moving target, which happened to be a giant semi truck.  It was one of the happiest moment of my life, staring down the huge bright lights of the semi, anxiously waiting for it to come close enough to hit. 

The noise was not a splat.  It was a way louder, BANG!  I was very pleased.  

I think we hit about three more cars before I heard Chris shout, "oh crap! that car turned around!"  I figured he was just saying that to make the ride more exciting, but I played along anyway and hastened my speed.  I kept hearing "he's coming, he's coming!" and so I drove faster and faster.  I was having a lot of fun without a care in the world, still not believing their warnings.  But my certainty about their lies quickly turned to doubt when I pulled onto Lincolnville road, and, in the mirror, I saw them throw out all the boxes into the dark woods that lined the street. 

I all of the sudden got really serious, and I could not keep my eyes of the darkness behind us.  I was waiting to see if the next pair of lights to turn onto the road behind us were those of  a pissed off driver. Chris said that the car that he had hit, looked like a light full-size car, so I was relieved to see that the next care to turn in behind us was a dark mini van.  We all began to calm down, figuring the danger was over.  But it was far from over.  Just as my heart rate starts to drop back down to normal I spotted another pair of head lights move out from behind the mini van, and quickly pass it in the oncoming lane.  Shit.  There was no question that this guy was the one we had hit, and there was no question he was angry.  I pictured a middle-aged father type of guy pulling up beside us, lowering his window, and yelling that he got my license plate number and was going to call the cops.  This was the worst case scenario I could come up with only because, while I did have a license, it was a restricted license I got so I could drive myself to my part time job.  Which happened to be cooking at Pizza Hut. Ha!  Anyways, the reason that getting the cops involved would be a very bad thing is because of the fact that my restricted license only allowed me to be on the road between 7AM and 12AM.  By this time it was about 1 o'clock in the morning.  So I prayed that it was some crazy redneck who had nothing better to do than to chase us around trying to scare us.  Not really wanting to actually get us in trouble with the law.  Well, all hope was lost when the middle-aged father of three/scary toothless redneck turned on his blue flashing lights.   

....to be contiued

IMPORTANT INFORMATION INSIDE!

hello to the few people, mostly close friends, to whom i have made aware of this blog.  

right now i should be in my photography class reteaching the, shall we say,  students more ripe with age than i what the instructor has just gone over, but instead i am sitting alone in the corner of a public library.  because of my choice to sit as far away from others as a can,  i'm drawing suspicious looks.  i'm pretty sure this old lady who waddled over to grab a magazine gave me a dirty look, because she thinks i'm "watchin pornogrophy on that there internets." 

anyways, this is my first post to my blog, and this world of blogging or "blogosphere", as i have heard it called, is new to me.  i know there are a lot of blogs out there where people post important, useful information on topics that can help others.  this, however, is not going to be one of those.  i will share information with whoever chooses to read it, but don't expect it to be either important or useful.  

my only objective to creating this blog is to write.  i will write about me, about what i'm doing, share a moment i have enjoyed or endured, and maybe throw in some fictional short stories while i'm at it.  and i can tell you without a doubt that i will take up some bytes of the internets to bitch, complain, and give my opinions.  if you disagree with anything i say, good.  because i am not the smartest person, nor am i always even-tempered or rational.

i do hope that some of what you read in interesting, entertaining, or just a better use of your time than working at your job.

p.s. grammatical errors will appear frequently.  feel free to give corrections